SOUTH PARK: THE QUEST FOR THE PRINCESS
by Screaming Kittycat
Summary: Princess Kenny was the fairest and most beautiful maiden in all the land, all people of Kupa Keep loved her. However, she was not interested in the men of the kingdom, in fact, the moment her enchanting eyes landed on the new kid, Douchebag the Thief, her heart was instantly taken. Now she fights alongside the heroic Douchebag to bring back the Stick of Truth. (Female new kid)
1. Douchebag the New Kid

**Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larnion. Darkness falls as the humans beg their King to save them. A noble King, known only as the Grand Wizard. For a thousand years, the battle has been waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his human followers. But even though the Wizard King is so undeniably cool, the Drow Elf armies continue their attacks. They seek the human's most treasured relic – the Stick of Truth. But the tides of war are soon to change, as news of a 'new' kid spreads throughout the land. In order to save the humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid before the Drow Elves can manipulate her mind and USE her, to take the sacred relic from human hands. Even though girls are lame, she is the one who can save us. For whomever controls the Stick…controls the universe…"**

 ** _SOUTH PARK_**

 ** _THE QUEST_**

 ** _FOR THE_**

 ** _PRINCESS_**

The Grand Wizard Cartman and his faithful Paladin Butters watched from Kupa Keep as the new kids moved into the red house two doors down. The parents were boring, both in ordinary clothes with boring hairstyles and even more boring faces. Their kid, however, was not like her parents. She jumped out of their dark green car and sighed deeply. She had long pale blonde hair tied into a high ponytail, her bangs framed her pale face nicely and brought out the shine of her blue eyes. She wasn't nicely dressed and ordinary like her parents. She wore a large white hooded jumper and black jeans and shoes. Good, she wasn't a girly girl like the girls at school.

"She looks pretty!" Butters said cheerfully. He was happy to see a new face, even if it was a girl. Cartman told him girls were gross but she looked nice "we should invite her to play with us!"

Cartman turned to glare at him "are you fucking stupid Butters! We don't play with girls, they're gross and only wanna play with fucken Barbie dolls!" he shouted as the fairest maiden in all the lands, Princess Kenny, climbed up the ladder of the tower to see what they were shouting at.

He looked at the new kid who was watching her parents and movers boredly and smiled "mm hmm mmphmm mph."

Cartman turned to him "of course she's hot Kenny! That doesn't mean she can play with us!"

"But the prophecy my liege!" Butters cried out "it was prophesised that a new kid would come to save us from the Drow Elves!"

"Mmmhmm!" Kenny agreed. Whilst he was the most beautiful woman in all the land, the new kid was nice to look at.

Cartman growled and shook his head "fine! She can play with us, go get her Butters!" he shouted whilst climbing down the ladder.

"Of course my liege!" Butters replied happily as he followed his King down the ladder, he couldn't wait to play with the new kid! This was gonna be fun!

"Well, I think that's everything," the new father in South Park said in relief as he grabbed the last box.

The new mother nodded enthusiastically "we did it, hon, we're really moved in!" they embraced each other lovingly.

"It's a new beginning for us. Things are finally going to be good!"

The mother looked up their stairs with hope in her eyes "do you really think it will be better for…her?" she was worried, her husband could tell.

"They won't look for her here. We just need to make sure she doesn't attract any attention. Come on, let's see how she's doing" they walked upstairs and headed to the first door on the right.

The mother knocked whilst speaking "sweetie? Hon, you all dressed?" when they heard nothing they opened the door and peered inside.

"Hey, champ. How do you like your new room?" her father asked her.

She remained silent and stared at the bare room, the only thing in it was a single green sheeted bed and a black cat she called Shadow sleeping on top of it. You see, the new kid didn't like to talk, she saw no reason to use her voice. The silence was easier. She did like the room though, it was bigger than the last house they lived in. Her last room was a closet that they turned into a room. She felt like Harry Potter.

"I know it's a big change for all of us, but…princess, do you REMEMBER why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?" her father asked hesitantly, when he realized his daughter wasn't going to answer he leaned over to his wife and whispered, "she doesn't remember."

"She doesn't remember at all" his wife replied.

"That's good. That's good she doesn't remember" they leaned away from each other.

The mother clasped her hands in front of her chest "uh, sweetie, we want you to have lots of fun here. Why don't you go out and make some friends?"

"Right, get outside and PLAY, princess. Like…like normal kids."

"We've got some money for you on the kitchen counter, sweetie. Just….be back before it gets dark."

They were answered with more silence. Getting annoyed, her father rolled his eyes "yeah, we love you, too" they both stormed out. Sure they were used to her silence, doesn't mean they liked it. Their baby girl had the sweetest voice that they longed to hear again. The reason behind moving had caused so much stress on their little princess. They just wanted her to be happy, make friends, be a normal girl and grow up and get married and have as many children as she wants.

The new kid stood still for a moment, she didn't want to go outside, she just wanted to set up her tv and console and play games until she died. Was that too much to ask? Maybe going out and making friends will be fun, she's never had friends before. She and her parents have been on the run for so long that she could never make any long-lasting connections, not like she tried to. Now that she's able to settle down she could try to get some friends.

With that in mind, she traipsed downstairs and out the house once she grabbed the 2$ her mother left on the counter.

"Ah, help!" the new kid cocked her head to the side when she heard a little boy scream. Now curious, she turned to the right and saw a boy in an elf costume beating up a blonde haired boy with a wooden stick. She hurried to the elf boy and punched him in the back of his head. "Hey, no fair. That's cheating. I'm gonna tell my mom!" the elf shouted as he ran away. The new kid walked over to the blonde haired kid with a hammer and helped him to his feet.

The kid smiled at her "thanks, kid. I didn't realize he had a health potion" ah, so they were playing a game. If she was to guess it was probably a fantasy game. "my- my name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a Paladin. I live right next door to you! We should be friends!" well, that was a lot easier than she thought it would be. Then again, she had a special gift that made it impossibly easy to make friends. "The Wizard King asked me to come get you. He's been talking about your arrival! The Wizard lives this way. In the green house, over there" the new kid followed the cute Paladin silently as he led her to this Wizard King. "hey, where are you from?" he asked, he got nothing in reply but he didn't care "where did you live before moving here? Do you like Colorado?" the incessant questions came to an end when he knocked on the door to the green house. A fat boy in a Wizards costume was revealed once the door opened "all hail the Grand Wizard!" he cheered loudly, the new kid winced at his loud voice.

The fat boy looked at the hot chick up and down, "so, you are the new kid. Your coming was foretold by a Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King. But the time to talk is not nigh. Let me show you my kingdom" the new kid nodded and followed the fat boy through his house.

"Oh who's your new friend, Eric?" the fat boy's mom asked, she sounded like a sweet lady.

"Shut up mom, not now" that was rather rude, the new kid would never talk to her mom like that. Then again, she doesn't talk to her mom at all. They walked outside by the kitchen slide door and stared at the image before them. "welcome…to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!" it wasn't the greatest kingdom, better than her backyard at least. It had a castle made out of cardboard and had a tent in the middle. Beside the tend was a…girl? The new kid couldn't tell. She was pretty though, a wig that looked like it was spun from gold sat on top of an orange parka that covered all but the kid's eyes. She wore a really nice looking dress that no doubt swayed in the wind. That must be a Princess.

Closer to a new kid was a stable with a cat and a kid with his tongue sticking out in it and a boy with a sword at an armory. There was also a rock of insanity but it looked like a normal rock and an above ground pool. Off to the side was a training area with training dummies. It was a nice backyard. Eric walked over to the armory and motioned to the boy with a helmet, blue cape, red shirt with scissors and grey pants. "Our weapon shop here is tended by Clyde, a level 14 warrior." Clyde waved to the new kid whilst Eric walked over to the other kid and cat. "Here you can see our massive stables. Overseen by the level 9 ranger Scott Malkinson, who has the power of diabetes." Oh, so that's why he had his tongue out. The fatty waddled over the beautiful dame. "And here, of course, is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny. The fairest maiden in all the kingdom" he walked over to the new kid to muttered to her "don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick. It's just how he seems to be rolling right now…" they looked back over to the boy who was twirling a lock of his golden locks and staring flirtatiously at the new kid. The new kid smiled and winked back. She digged a boy who was comfortable and confident enough to dress as a chick and looked good doing so. She looked back at Eric when he began talking again "you have been sought out, new kid because humans everywhere are in great danger. I need something from you and in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom even though you're a girl and we don't play with girls. But you're hot so it's kewl."

"Mph mph!" Kenny muttered angrily.

Cartman turned to the Princess "you're much prettier Kenny but she's a real girl, she can get more men to join our army!" he shouted back before turning to the new kid. "I know you are very excited. Its time for your first quest, but first – please tell us thy name." she merely blinked "you-you're not…are you mute?" she blinked "huh…ok, we'll just call you…Douchebag."

"M-my king, she's a girl. Girls can't be called D-douchebags" Butters protested.

"This kingdom believes in equality Butters, just like I call you a bitch, I will call the new kid Douchebag. Now, you will now choose a class" he pulled out four cards, each with a unique image "there is, Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew." Jew? I thought Jew was a religion, not a class. Or was that race, she had no idea. All she knew was that Jews controlled Hollywood.

She looked down at the cards, they all looked cool…except for the Jew class. After a short moment of silent deliberating she poked the thief card "huh…a white thief? Never heard of one, but interesting…you look sneaky enough to be a thief." Cartman smiled "we welcome you to our kingdom Douchebag the Thief!"

"Hooray!" Butters cheered as he jumped up and down.

"Now, please go and visit the weapons shop. Procure yourself a weapon and we shall teach you to fight!" she quickly got a wooden dagger and a black hooded cloak that went over the top of her white hood that she pulled over her head after she untied her ponytail. She looked like a low-level rogue that you see in the world of Warcraft game. She wished it was like WOW, in that game she bought every heirloom and upgraded it to 110 so she could wear them forever. She wanted to have really cool looking armor that would level up as she leveled. She didn't think Cartman would let her wear something like that unless she made it herself which she was too lazy to do, perhaps her mom would make her something.

"Ah! You have procured a weapon" Cartman said as he walked over to her and Clyde "Nice, it is now the time to teach you how to fight. I want you to take your new weapon, and, with the bravery of a noble knight…beat up Clyde."

"What?"

"Kick Clyde's ass, new kid."

"What did I do?" Clyde asked.

"I'm the KING, Clyde, and the King wishes to be amused. Go on, new kid, kick his ass."

They went to the jousting arena, which was just in the middle of the Kingdom, and faced each other. She saw how rogues fought in games so she would base her attacks off that. The King told her this was a turn-based system, meaning she would take a shot then Clyde would. The fight would end when one of the fighters fell unconscious.

South Park is a strange town, when Cartman told her to use her backslash ability, she actually did the backslash. What does that mean? Well, she disappeared into a grey smoke and reappeared behind Clyde. It was like their imaginations could manifest. The new kid didn't know what to think so she just rolled with it.

Soon the battle was done and Clyde was laying on the floor, bleeding and unable to fight "ha ha haaa! Dude that was awesome! You were all like BRAMMGMG! And Clyde was like AHGHG NOO! Ha ha aha!" the new kid ignored the Kings laughter and helped the warrior up, he thanked her and drank a potion which stopped his bleeding and healed all his wounds. He wasn't happy that he had been bested by the new kid who was a girl. "okay, okay. You've proved yourself worthy, Douchebag. Now, come inside the war tent and I shall let you see the relic." She nodded to Clyde and followed the fat King into the castle, ignoring the Princesses giggling.

Once inside, the new kid blinked at all the stuff crammed within. The throne was nice, it was an ordinary couch but had different gardening tools like a shovel and rake taped to the back of the couch so it looked like the Game of Thrones throne in Kings landing. "Well, here it is. The reason why humans and elves are locked in a never-ending war. The relic for which human and elf are willing to die for…The Stick of Truth." she looked at the pillar that held the famed relic…it was just a stick…and it wasn't a bedazzled or jeweled stick painted in gold or silver, it was just an ordinary…stick…what a letdown. "looks awesome, doesn't it? Just two days ago, we took the Stick back from the elves. Our kingdom was dying, but now it thrives. For whoever controls the Stick, controls the universe." He shielded his eyes and cried out loudly "don't gaze at it for too long! For its power is too much for mere mortals to look at!" he turned the new kid away "now that you have seen the Stick of Truth, let's discuss your duties. Being a member of my kingdom costs nine ninety give for the first week, four dollars of which is tax deductible-"

"ALARM! ALARM! ALARM!" they heard Butters shouting, Cartman's eyes widened.

"Someone has sounded the alarm!" Butters ran in, still shouting alarm "what is it?"

"The elves are attacking!" he cried fearfully.

"Oh my god! Defensive positions!" he shouted to his kingdom as he pulled the new kid outside "man the gate! Don't let them through!" it was too late, the elves were already upon them.

"Give us the Stick, humans!" the main elf shouted angrily.

"Fuck you, Drow elf! Come and get it!" Cartman shouted back. "CLYDE! GUARD THE STICK OF TRUTH WHILE WE DEFEND THE FORTRESS!"

"Aye Aye!" the warrior shouted as he ran into the castle.

"Aye Aye? We're not playing PIRATES, Clyde!" the fatty turned to the new kid "Douchebag, this is your chance to prove you are better than the girls of this Kingdom. HOLD OFF THESE ASSHOLE ELVES AT ALL COSTS!"

She nodded and joined the battle, it was rather easy. These elves were using simple attacks that did not hurt her. The elven archers were new but were easy to take down once they got rid of the melee elves. Sometimes she shot arrows from her own bow that Cartman gave her, she was a surprisingly good shot…the wonders of imagination.

She helped her fellow companions who were being overrun. Cartman stood still and laughed at her beating up the kids whilst Kenny giggled and cheered for her. She guessed in this world Princesses were not allowed to fight. Was she Cartman's daughter in this world or just a random Princess…who knows.

Cartman laughed evilly once the fight was done "YES! Awesome, dude! TAKE THAT, YOU ASSHOLE ELVES! Better luck next time! NA NA NA NAAAA NA! WE STILL CONTROL THE UNIVERSE! HA HA HA HA HAAAA HA!"

Clyde waddled up and frowned at the King "it's gone"

"What?"

"The Stick of Truth. The elves took it."

It was silent for a moment before Cartman exploded "THAT WAS YOUR ONE GOD DAMNED JOB CLYDE! TO GUARD THE STUCK OF FUCKING TRUTH!" he calmed down slightly but still looked mad "Clyde…you are hereby BANISHED FROM SPACE AND TIME!"

The warrior looked at his King in rage "what? NO! You can't do that!"

"Yes, I can! You're banished and lost in time and space!"

"Yeah, go home Clyde!" Butters cheered happily, he was just glad to be part of the group.

Clyde stormed off whilst Cartman turned to the new kid "you fought bravely on the battlefield, Douchebag."

The diabetic ranger nodded "yeah, this new kid may be a douchebag but she sure can fight!"

"Shut up, Scott, nobody cares what you think. Anyways, we have a bigger problem now! The Stick of Truth has been stolen and we must assemble our ENTIRE army in order to get it back."

Butter protested "but our three best warriors still haven't reported for duty, my King!"

"Our newest member can take care of that! Douchebag, I want you to go out into the neighborhood and find my greatest warriors. Token, Tweek, and Craig. I am texting their pictures to your personal inventory device now…" phone, he means phone "but beware…the lands outside are full of marauding Drow elves, monsters and sixth graders. Be sure you are well equipped. Now, go! And send my warriors here!"

"I will follow you Douchebag!" Butters cheered "my Paladin abilities will be valuable to your mission!" the new kid nodded and walked off, well, not before blowing a kiss to the fair maiden who giggled and blushed back.


	2. The Warriors Three

With the help of Butters, the new kid managed to get to Craig's house without getting hurt. Yes, they got attacked by a few Drow Elves but it was rather easy when you had a kid that would bash you in the face with a hammer. The sweet boy didn't care that he made the others kids bleed due to broken noses, he thought he was doing the right thing so long as it was for his King.

They reached number 1010, Craig's house. It was a pale brown colour with a garage. Why are all the houses exactly the same design? Did someone get bored when they drew them?

The new kid knocked on the door and stared silently at the chubby ginger that opened the door. He looked down at the blonde girl and realized her outfit was similar to his sons "Ya lookin' for Craig? Well, he can't play. He's in detention. Something about flippin' off the principal." Without waiting for a reply, the ginger slammed the door.

"We better get to the other guys first" Butters called out "taking on the school is dangerous, we'll need back up."

Once again they were off on another journey. Turns out, everyone bullies Butters, even Jimmy who the knew kid found out was a cripple. She decided that the sweet dumbass was now her ward, and it would be her duty to make sure he no longer got wet willies and noogies. All the idiot wanted was friends and to be included, so that's what she would do.

They stopped outside the fanciest house in South Park. Apparently, this was where their companion, Token Black lived. Getting to the house was easy, getting inside, however, looked troubling. A retarded looking security guard stood at the only entrance. The moment the new kid walked up he sprayed her eyes with mace. She screamed - which she never does - and floundered around, trying with all her might to stop the agonizing pain. Butters raced over and pulled her away from the horrid man whilst he spoke threateningly "if you try again, I will pepper spray you back to the Stone Age." At least the man is not racist, most security guards will only mace black people. The guy must not get laid.

"We should go to Tweek's coffee shop and get you some water buddy," Butter said soothingly, the girl couldn't open her eyes so he led her to the shop.

Inside, Mr. Tweak took one look at the new kids puffy eyes and brought out a small expresso cup and filled it with water "the guard spray you too huh? Don't worry, the water will help" he said soothingly "would you like some coffee? Our coffee is made with ingredients supplied by local organic suppliers. It's local coffee. Brewed locally" He raised his hand to his mouth and shouted, "TWEEK?! TWEEEEK!"

"AAGGGHH!" a boys voice screamed in reply. The new kid was finally able to open her eyes without feeling like she was looking at the sun, they just felt heavy now.

"Have you picked up the fresh local ingredients?!"

"AAHGHGH NOT YET DAD! I'M STILL TRYING TO DO ALL MY CHORES!"

"Well hurry up, son. The family business is relying on you!"

"AAHGHGHG!" realizing that whoever was in the storage room was their next member, they snuck past the parents and went inside.

"Hey, Tweek!" Butters called out happily.

The kid before them was incredibly twitchy and jerky. Even 2 seconds the kid would move a muscle. The new kid guessed he was forced to drink a lot of coffee by his parents, that or he just liked it. "Hey Butters, is that the new kid?" Tweek asked "what ACK! What does she want?" the new kid pulled out a piece of paper and gave it to Tweek who freaked out "What's this! AHGHGHGH! NOW?! The guys need me now?! Oh, there's no way man! I have WAY too much to do!" Tweek grabbed the new kid and shook her "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ALL THIS?! Wait- YOU!" he stepped back once he realized the girl was freaking out "could you go get the four o'clock delivery for me?! If you do I can finish here and then – and then I'll still have time to play! PLEASE! Would you?! It's at Kenny's house – like always! Y-you, give them THIS" he grabbed a closed envelope "they'll give you the delivery."

The new kid nodded and left the shop with Butters dutifully trailing beside her "oh boy! Our first real mission as partners!" Butters cheered with a little jump.

So the delivery was at Kenny's house as Tweek saod, well actually it was in their garage but the fact that this wasn't a legal delivery was great. When she gets older, the new kid was going to drink at Tweek's coffee every day, they put dugs in that shit!

After they attacked the meth heads because they thought she was a cop, they rushed back to Tweek and gained an ally.

Later on, they bought a gas mask from Jimbo's guns and got passed the security guard. It wasn't that hard, he was a lazy fat slob that they could outrun easily. He would no doubt lose his job after his boss finds out that he got beaten up by two kids. They got Token and used Timmy's wheelchair cart to get to the Kupa Keep faster than walking.

"ALL SOLDIERS REPORTING FOR DUTY, GRAND WIZARD!" the fat asshole stepped outside and nodded at the new kid.

"Nice work, Douchebag. Now all my men are here and ready to fight for the – wait a minute, where is Feldspar? Where's my level twelve thief?"

"Hey yes, where's Craig?" How the fuck has Butters forgotten so quickly, he was right next to the new kid when she talked to Craig's dad.

Tweek spoke up "He flipped off the Principal, so he's in detention again."

Everyone fell silent "oh my god…if they've locked away our thief in detention we have no hope of getting back the Stick of Truth. We have to break him out!"

"Agh! No way man, last time we broke Craig out of detention we ALL got in trouble!" Tweek screeched.

"Getting into trouble is a risk that Douchebag is willing to take!" Cartman looked at the new kid "you have to break out our thief, Douchebag. But don't worry, I will not let you go unprepared. I am going to teach you how to use magic. Follow me to the training barracks. It's time for you to learn Dragonshout" what? Dragonshout? What was this Elder Scrolls Skyrim? Deciding to go along with it, the new kid followed the Wizard King to the training ground "you fight well, Douchebag, but to truly succeed in combat you must learn to harness the power…of your farts. Farting on an opponent at precisely the right time is key to battle. I shall show you how it's done, but FIRST, you must take the Gentlemen's oath" the new kid frowned and cocked her head to the side "I know you're a girl but since you're playing with boys I need to make sure you uphold our most sacred oath. You must promise to NEVER, EVER fart on anyone's balls, okay? Farting on an opponent is necessary, but farting on someone's balls is NOT COOL. Do you understand?" she nodded "all right, then let's begin your training."

The Wizard King motioned to the training dummies "to conjure Dragonshout, you must first clear your mind and take in a deep breath…through your butthole. Like so" he clenched his eyes shut and shook his body, no doubt sucking up the air around him. The new kid was afraid that the Wizard King would suck so hard he would create a black hole. "Then….let it rumble inside you…and…DRAGONSHOUT!" he pushed out and let his fart attack the dummy. The new kid nodded, impressed with the force of the boy's shout. She has always had strong and deadly farts, perhaps she has known Dragonshout all her life. "Now you" the Wizard King moved so the new kid could take her turn. "ready? Dragonshout"

The new kid was not worried about failing, this was second nature to her. Though she has never tried to let a fart stew within her body, what power could she create if she did so? Deciding to find out, she sucked in as much air as she could, so much that she felt she could suck her self into her butt. The rumble within her body was strong, overpowering. Such power should never be contained, it wanted to be free, to flow through the world like a strong gust of wind. Feeling that the time was right, she used all the strength her rectum contained to roar like a dragon…through her butt. The dummy shook and nearly snapped in half from the force of her mighty fart.

Cartman stayed silent, staring at her in awe and wonder "my god that was…incredible. A man could live a hundred years and never again witness a spell so…boisterous. A girl with such power has never been heard of before…could it be that the prophecies are true? Could it be that the Dragonborn has come at last in our hour of need?" fuckin' really fatass, you can't think of something original so you turn shouting into super farting? This kid is a retard. "Now let us try your skill on a REAL opponent" he snickered softly "hey, hey, Princess Kenny, could you come here a sec?" the new kid glared at him, she didn't want to fart on such a beauty. "shhh! Don't tell him. Okay, just real quick" The Princess glided over like an ethereal goddess, when she saw the new kid she giggled and twirled a lock of golden hair, hoping to catch the girls attention. "Princess Kenny, Lady Douchebag wants to show you something. All right, you two – SPAR!" realizing that she had to fight the new kid, Princess Kenny got ready "Lady Douchebag, show Princess Kenny the magical powers I have taught you."

The new kid nodded and walked over to the Princess so they were standing close, she frowned and patted the Princesses shoulder in silent apology. Taking action, she sucked up all the air around her, even the air blessed with the Princess aroma, a sweet perfume of roses and apples. She let it rumble within before roaring. The Princess screamed and waved her hands and arms around her crazily in the hopes of removing the disgusting and powerful smell. Cartman cackled madly "THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS! HA HA AHAHAHA! DUDE THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME! O-okay, good job, Lady Douchebag, that was sweet. Thanks, Princess Kenny. That's all for now."

The maiden glared at the Wizard King before storming off, well, not before getting an apology kiss on the cheek by her attacker. She glared at Lady Douchebag before sighing and nodding her head, accepting the apology. The new kid smiled and turned back to the fatass. "HA hahahaha! Okay, but dude, seriously remember, don't EVER do that on someone's balls. Okay, seriously. You have mastered Dragonshout, from now it will be easier for you. Now, we need to save Craig from detention. Kenny will assist you in your quest, Douchebag. Now go get Craig while I rest and relax upon my throne."

The new kid sighed deeply and walked over to Kenny who looked at her "mhph?" she motioned to the back door where Butters was waiting inside "mmm mhm" she nodded and grabbed the Dragonborn's hand and dragged her off.

Kenny, Butters, and the new kid peered through the detention window to see what they were up against. Inside were 7 kids and a teacher with a really large head that the new kid learned was called Mr. Mackey "Craig…Craig this is DETENTION Mkay, stop looking at your watch because you are here for THREE HOURS, BUDDY! Mkay!"

"Whatever" the thief replied uncaringly, he knew he was getting out. His King needed him.

"Don't think your friends are gonna come bust you out this time, Craig!"

"My name is Feldspar and I'm a level six thief and the humans will soon rescue me from this tower."

Mr. Mackey glared at him "no, your name is fuckin' CRAIG TUCKER and you're in DETENTION! Start doing your homework! Mkay, I've got all the doors SEALED and I've got hallway monitors working overtime – nobody is gonna save your ass today, Craig, Mkay?!" the trio walked away and turned to each other.

"Mr. Mackey's got all the hall monitors working" Butters commented grimly "The Wizard King told me all monitors are evil gingers that want to steal our souls" the new kid sighed deeply, Cartman is a fucking idiot…and so is Butters, but he was more of a naïve idiot than a retardic idiot like Cartman.

"Mph mph mpmhm!" Kenny said determinedly, she wasn't afraid of gingers.

"You're right Princess Kenny, we need Craig" Butters swung the doors opened and the trio prepared to fight.

Within the school, a short, pale ginger kid with freckles galore stopped them "Excuse me but school is OUT and no students are allowed on the premises until tomorrow at 7:30 AM." The boy replied nerdily. The new kid rolled her eyes in irritation, she just wanted to get Craig and get back the Stick of Truth, maybe even flirt with the Princess. With that in mind, she stepped forward and punched the ginger in the face, hard and strongly. The kid yelped and fell to the floor, hitting it with his skull and falling unconscious.

"Oh wow," Butters said in awe "remind me to never make you angry" Kenny giggle and agreed, watching the girl punch that kid out was hot. They continued on through the hallway, none of the gingers were playing fantasy so they did not possess any powers. That and they were gingers so they were weak, all Kenny had to do was flash her beautiful breast and they became drooling lechers. She truly was a beauty, even if she had no tits. All their enemies easy to defeat except for…the ginger sixth grader.

The deadly boss was dangerous, his ginger touch was disgusting and poisoned anyone who touched them. His mace nearly broke their bones, they were lucky that they had healing potions. It took all of the new kids rectal powers to down the beast. She needed to train more, her butthole felt strained from overuse.

They kicked the ginger boss one more time before they opened the dungeon and freed all the prisoners from the overlord. The prisoners cheered and threw the torture tools into the air. Pens, pencils, paper, and books rained down like confetti.

"DAMN YOU CRAAAAAAAAAAAIIIGG!" Mr. Mackey shouted as he tried to capture the thief.

"Thanks for busting me out, kid. Who are you?" the new kid remained silent "what's your name?"

"W-we don't know her name" Butters replied, "The Wizard King called her Lady Douchebag The Rogue."

"Nice to meet you Douchebag. Oh well, I'm heading to Kupa Keep. We can all walk there together I guess" the group nodded and walked to their Kingdom. Finally, the greatest warriors reunited.

"Gentlemen, thanks to the new kid, our entire army is assembled!" This was their entire army? The Drow Elves have almost the entire boy population in the 3rd and 4th grade. "It is my belief, that the new kid deserves to rank up in level. To honor her efforts, she will no longer be called 'Lady Douchebag.' New kid, I hereby dub thee – Madam Douchebag! Congratulations" now she sounded like a dominatrix. Actually, that sounds pretty cool, to be honest. "But now it is time for us to take back that which is rightfully ours. A carrier Raven has come with news that the Stick of Truth has not yet been taken to the Elven forest. It is in the possession of…the Bard." Everyone but the new kid gasped in fear.

"The Bard!"

"Oh god, not the Bard!"

Butters noticed the new kids confusion "The Bard is a level ten Drow Elf who can use music to enchant and destroy his enemies!"

Cartman nodded "and that is why you need to prepare and become stronger. Are you ready to continue your training?" she nodded and followed the fatty to the training area.

"I'm going to teach you how to use RANGED magic attacks" Cartman continued "it's not easy, but being able to cup-a-spell from a distance can save you in battle. Allow me to demonstrate" he once again sucked in all the air around him, and using lightning-fast reflexes he managed to grab the fart with his bare hands and throw it at the dummy. "you see how it works? Now you try. Way back from where you're standing. Cup the magic, throw it at your opponent."

She did as she was told and threw her fart, only this time it was so strong that the Dummy unplanted itself from the snow and fell to the floor "Yes! YES! But, now let us see how you fare against a REAL OPPONENT! Hey, hey, Malkinson! Malkinson, could you come help us with something? Shh, Shh! Don't tell him – this is gonna be sweet" the diabetic ranger waddled over.

"Yes?"

"Oh hey Scott, could you um, spar with Douchebag real quick? He's gonna try out a new move."

"En garde!" Malkinson shouted, the new kid felt sorry for him.

The same thing happened to Scott as it did Kenny, the smell was revolting and powerful. "HAA! HA AHA AHA AHAA! Dude, that was sweet! You threw that shit RIGHT in Scott's face! HAahaha! All right, Scott, back to your post. Thank you, hehehehe." Scott stormed off angrily "Use it wisely in battle, Douchebag. And never on a man's balls. Now, go take a break before we head to our next mission. I will call when we are ready." The new kid nodded and walked away and over to Kenny who sat on the other side of the Kingdom.

She strode over and stood before the fair maiden that looked up at her curiously, no one was near them, they were all preparing for the upcoming battle "mphm mph mmh mpmh mhh?" she asked, the new kid didn't reply. They were both silent, the Princess was deciding something. When she made up her mind she patted the floor beside her. The new kid nodded and sat next to her. "mph mpmhmm mpy mmmmi mm mmp mpmm?" the new kid peered at the Princess with narrowed eyes, wondering if she should agree to Kenny's deal. Deciding that she liked the Princess she nodded.

Kenny smiled and pulled his hood and wig off. He was pretty handsome for a fourth-year student. He had messy blonde hair and kissable lips. "so what's your name?" the Princess asked, she had a nice voice.

The new kid was silent, her voice was no doubt rough from lack of use. Deciding that it was harmless, she leaned in and whispered her name. She wanted it to be a secret for now, at least until school. That and her parents told her not to tell anyone. Not even the teachers are allowed to say it to anyone. "That's a nice name. Your voice is pretty too" she smiled and blushed at his flirt. "hey, do you read Playboy?" she shook her head. The Princesses eyes widened and a smile grew. He was excited at the prospect of corrupting the new kid "let me show you!" he pulled out a magazine and flipped it open, the new kid's eyes widened as she stared at the beautiful women in lingerie and other skimpy clothing and there were even some women wearing nothing at all. They both remained silent as they stared at the sexy women, sometimes they commented on a photo they liked or giggled at the innuendos the magazine made or they made.

That was how their strange friendship started…through porn.


	3. The Bard

"If the carrier ravens are correct, the Bard is hiding out at the Inn of the Giggling Donkey. We must find him before he's able to take the Stick back to the Elven Forest" The group assembled after a half hour break. It was time to get back the relic.

Butters glared determinedly and raised his mighty hammer "let us find the Bard and bring him to justice!"

Cartman swung his staff as he yelled, "MAKE HASTE TO THE GIGGLING DONKEY!" they all raced off, ready to take back that which belonged to them.

Funny enough, the Giggling Donkey wasn't that far away, it was across the man road and was the second house after. The seven warriors hid behind a bush, spying into the inn "There it is…the Inn of the Giggling Donkey" Cartman said ominously, it wasn't a dangerous looking place. It was a blue house that looked like every other house in the quiet redneck, white trash, po-dunk, mountain town. "Paladin, are you sure the Bard is hiding out in there?" he asked Butters.

The Paladin nodded "that's what Twitter says" he replied.

"CARRIER RAVEN, Butters!" Cartman shouted angrily.

"So-sorry, that's what the carrier raven says" Butters stuttered.

Cartman nodded and looked at the others "Craig and Token, guard the back door. Butters, Kenny, Madam Douchebag…let's go inside" they nodded to their King and followed him through the door. It was an ordinary looking Inn, though there were some unsavoury looking characters. The new kid grabbed the Princess and pulled her close, these people may do lecherous things to the Princess if they got their hands on her. Kenny giggled delicately and kissed the new kids cheek in thanks for her heroic protection. "Stay close, Madam Douchebag. The Inn of the Giggling Donkey harbors the scum of all Zaron" the King said darkly as they stopped before the bar and bartender "a glass of Meedlewine, please."

"No Meedlewine today, only Fairy Ale" the bartender replied.

"A pint of Fairy Ale, then" Cartman replied. The bartender nodded and pulled out a red cup "So…has uh…anyone seen the Bard lately?" he said that so loudly that the entire Inn stopped what they were doing to glare at him. Something was wrong "a cup of Fairy Ale isn't much if not accompanied by some bardic poems and songs" no one was convinced.

"Sure, he's here, all right. He's got a room down in the cellar" said the bartender.

The Wizard King smiled in thanks "ah, and I shall pay handsomely for his services" he finished his drink, payed for it and ordered his men to follow him to the cellar. "Butters, Douchebag go down and flush him out. Princess Kenny and I will be waiting here to murder him, the Bard can use songs to enchant. Don't let him get to you" Butters opened the door and Douchebag followed, lets hope this Bard wasn't hard to defeat.

The cellar was dark and ominous, as if the Bard knew they were coming. Butters and the new kid walked carefully through the intricately crafted maze that was no doubt created to stop or slow them down.

Suddenly the strum of a lute echoed through the darkened room. Butters and the new kid stepped closer together in case something happened. They covered their ears as the strumming got louder "oh, Jesus, it's the Bard!" Butters cried out in fear.

A retarded looking cripple waddled from out of the shadows, this must be the Bard. "Prepare for battle, w-w-w-weaklings!" he said with a terrible stutter "Elves, fall in!" they were surrounded.

"DOUCHBAAAAG! IT"S A TRAAAAP!" The Wizard King shouted as both he and Princess were dragged away.

"You should have never come here, h-human. I am a level 10 bard, and with my lute I shall power up my elven guards with magical songs of ench- With magical songs of encha- With magical songs of encha-chaaaa….mag-magical songs of enchame-me-me…with magical songs of encha-chaaaaa… of enchame-me-me…with magical songs of encha-chaaaaa of enchame-me-me…with magical songs of encha-chaaaaa of enchame-me-me…with magical songs of encha-chaaaaa of enchame-me-me…with magical songs of encha-chaaaaa… of enchame-me-me…with magical songs of encha-chaaaaa of enchame-me-me…with magical songs of encha-chaaaaa Magical songs of enchantment."

And with that…the battle had begun.

As Cartman and the Bard had said, his magical songs of enchantment was used to help his fellow elves and destroy his enemies " **There once was a maiden from Stonebury Hollow. She didn't talk much, but boy did she swallow. I have a nice lance that she sat upon. The maiden from Stonebury who was also your mom** " His song was powerful and enchanting, he knew what words to chose and how to sing them that would affect them strongly but his elves were still taken down by Butters and Madam Douchebag. Realising that he was going to be attacked, he raced up the stairs and ordered more men to attack his enemies whilst he protected the Stick of Truth.

The new kid and Butters battled their way valiantly through the swarms of disgusting Drow Elves. Along the way, Craig came to help but was injured, luckily, Butters knew how to heal. They saved The Wizard King who was being viciously and cowardly beaten. They defended their King and rescued him from their tyranny. "His powers were too strong – The Bard. He's up in one of the rooms" he coughed up some blood "they took Princess Kenny! They took her upstairs, I'm sure they're going to rape her. Don't let them rape Princess Kenny! Mehhhh…" and he fainted.

The new kid panicked at hearing the fairest maiden in all the lands was going to be defiled by brutish elves who were unworthy of such a delicate flower. She viciously attacked all elves that blocked her path from saving the beautiful Princess.

They walked upstairs and over to a door where they heard a creaking bed and the yelping of Princess Kenny "I think they're raping her!" cried Butters "we have to help her!" the new kid nodded and slammed the door open. She internally sighed in relief when she saw that the elf only had Kenny as a prisoner and wasn't raping her. Springing into action, she rushed forward and fired an arrow right at the elves head. He screamed and fell to the floor, dead. The new kid climbed up the large double bed and untied the beautiful maiden from her bonds. The Princess cheered and kissed the new kid on the lips, which really wasn't a kiss considering her mouth was covered by her parka. The new kid smiled and helped the Princess down from the bed and out the door.

"Princess Kenny! How badly did they rape you!?" Cartman demanded, hoping it wasn't too serious.

Kenny shrugged "Mrm mm mrphm."

"I can't get through!" Craig shouted frustratingly "The door appears to be enchanted so I can't turn the knob!"

Cartman tried but cursed when the door did not open "YOU CAN'T HOLD THE DOORKNOB, BARD! THAT'S CHEATING!"

"Yeah, I can. I have the Stick of Truth which means I control the universe, and I say holding the doorknob is okay."

"Ungh, can he do that?" Cartman asked angrily.

"He has the Stick of Truth, he can do what he wants" was Craig's reply.

"Dammit!" The Wizard shouted "there's GOT to be another way into this room!" they looked up and realised that there was an attic.

"Let us up!" Token demanded the elf that peered through.

"You're not getting up here" the elf said smugly "The ladder's up here with me. And I'm sure as shit not coming down there."

The new kid went to move forward but Princess Kenny stopped her, she walked under the attic door and pulled down her dress to reveal her breasts "well, lookie what we got here" the elf said dreamily "I'm coming for ya, baby! Oh yeah!" the elf slid down the stars as Kenny continued to giggled "ooooooh…those are some big ol' bitties…man oh man" he went to squeeze them but Kenny pulled out a mirror and smashed it over the elf's head, knocking him unconscious.

"Good job. Princess Gone Wild. Double D buddy powers" Carman cheered, very impressed. "go find a way to the Bard Madam Douchebag, Princess Kenny" they nodded and climbed up the stairs.

They once again battled their way to their destination. The new kids Dragonborn powers came in handy to knock their opponents out quickly and Kenny's tits helped to seduce the enemy and take them down. Like Snow White, Princess Kenny had an affinity with animals, namely rats and mice. They came to her aid and destroyed their enemies like a wave of infection and disease. They found a whole that led straight to the Bards room. Quickly jumping down, they opened the door and let the others in.

"You've nowhere to run, Bard! Give me the Stick of Truth" The Wizard Kind demanded.

"Take it from me if you can, W-Wizard King. Step forward now, and fufill your de-de…step forward now and fufill your de-de… Step forward now and fufill your de…your de…your de-de…step forward now and fufill your de-de…your de…your de-deeeee…Step forward now and fufill your d-d-d-destiny!"

Cartman stepped closer to the Bard in a threatening manner "you are no match for a GRAND WIZARD!"

"The Stick belongs with us! And I shall use every bardic power in my class to keep it from you!"

"Fine. You wanna throw down, brah? Kick his ass, Douchebag" the lazy fatass ordered the new kid.

"Who is Douchebag?" the Bard asked.

"That's MADAM Douchebag to you! And she is about to teach you some manner, Bard!"

The Bard had the ability to use a flute and bring rats to his side and send people to sleep with his lute. He could also make people shit with his brown note…Poor Butters. The only way the new kid could defeat Jimmy the Bard was by overpowering him with her own music…from her butt. The smell was so revolting that it caused enough of a distraction that she could sneak up behind him and defeat him with her dangerous dagger.

The group cheered in triumph as they retrieved their precious relic, the Stick of Truth. "THE STICK IS OURS!" they cheered once more at their Kings words and skipped to Kupa Keep.

"The Stick of Truth is back where it belongs!" Cartman said happily to his warriors "great job, men!" he looked at Princess Kenny and Madam Douchebag "and ladies…Douchebag, for your heroic deeds and valiant self-sacrifice at the great battle of the Giggling Donkey, I hereby make you an official member of the Kingdom of Kupa Keep" she thought she already was, you know with her being called Madam Douchebag and having a cool outfit and how she does everything the King tells her. "welcome to the KKK!" what the actual fuck!? This kid got dropped as a baby.

"It's getting late. The Grand Wizard needs to go night-night" Cartman's mother said sweetly from the back door.

The Wizard King sighed and pinched her nose "Okay, mom – thanks for pointing out bedtime for everyone."

"It's a school night, hon. You and your little Druid friends need to-"

"WE'RE NOT DRUIDS, MOM. WE'RE FUCKING WARRIORS AND WIZARDS!" Mrs. Cartman got angry and stormed up to her son.

"That's it. You're going to bed. The rest of you better get home too" they all looked at each other as Cartman was dragged off. Realising that it was dark, everyone raced home. Poor Princess Kenny, her home was so far away, who knows who could be lurking in the shadows, ready to strike at the innocent girl.

The new kid walked inside and ignored her parents as they asked her questions.


End file.
